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You never really know someone until you break up with them. If they don’t go crazy and try to kill you than maybe you should give them a second chance.
Love your neighbor ... but don`t get caught.
My wife gives me sound advice. 99% sound. 1% advice.
I feel like dinner parties are secretly competitions about who watches the most news and documentaries
It`s so hot I have my air condition set on bankruptcy.
My therapist says I should quit talking to myself.
I must have a great butt because every time I finish talking with someone and start to walk away, I hear them whisper "What an a$$."
So I harvested my tomato today, it`s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
“How are feeling today?” is a polite reminder that you were a mess the night before.
Sad life : After watching 2 seconds of Spongebob I already know what episode it is ... I`m 41
Traffic would be awesome if we all drove hamster balls.
Lately I`ve been convinced that some people were born solely for purpose of eventually pissing me off...
If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the hell’s the point man?
Being in the doghouse isn`t so bad if there`s enough beer in the bowl.
The fact that you don’t find me amazing doesn’t bother me at all, it just confirms what I have suspected all along; that you have bad taste.