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St. Patricks day is the only time you can ask somebody in public,"Do you want some green" without you looking suspect.
I`m definitely the drunkest person in this ball pit.
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways.
I never get nervous or embarrassed. That`s just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Halloween always exposes my weakness for Milk Duds, I am powerless. Tomorrow I will attend MDA, Milk Duds Anonymous
That`s not chapstick in my front pocket.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
We need to DETACH from all this technology and live life in the moment. Sent from my iPhone
Find someone who is honest, laughs when you make fun of them, and then give each other orgasms.
I hate it when I get too drunk and just kidding I never hate getting drunk!
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn`t use Real dinosaurs.
Sometimes you have to flip out and go bat sh!t crazy to make a point.
When the zombie apocalypse happens, I’m going to blast Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, while the zombies chase us, just to lighten the mood.