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If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.
I´m the kind of person that when my feet hit the ground each morning the devil says, "OH CRAP, HE´S UP"!
9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
It’s amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don’t like them.
There`s no point in using a big word, when an infinitesimally diminutive one will do.
I love Halloween because it`s the only night of the year I may end up getting drunk with Batman and going home with a cheerleader.
Yes, bitches be trippin’ but maybe I pushed one.
Do you ever wish you had a second chance to meet someone again for the first time?
Dating should be like buying a car. You should get to talk to the previous owners... SHOW ME THE MANFAX!!
Unwritten Rule of the Day: Don´t make eye contact while eating a banana.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
Girl scout cookies suck! I ate like 20 boxes of thin mints and I`m not any thinner.
They`re all cop cars when you`re this high.
Currently training for when they inevitably make drinking an Olympic sport.