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If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it`s working.
"It`s the little things in life that make you laugh," my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets fighting at Walmart.
My moral compass must run on solar power because it never seems to work after dark.
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I`m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Leftover bacon? Lol that’s up there with unicorns, leprechauns, and soulmates.
Okay kids don`t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger`s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
never tell a lie...unless it is true
I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.
I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts.
I feel like I`ve passed my "Best If Used By date."
Being handed a flyer is the offline version of a pop-up ad.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn`t met me yet
Life is too short for fake butter, cheese or people.