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Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
Things to do today.....pet all the spiders in my house at least twice with my shoe.
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger. So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex`s car.
This status is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.
That moment when you run into a spider web and suddenly become a karate master.
The most expensive part of having kids is all the booze I drink.
Accidentally walking through the camping aisle at Target every once in a while is about as outdoorsy as I get.
I want one of those jobs where people ask, “Do you actually get paid for doing this?”
Just once, I`d like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.
At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.
The Three Up`s in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut
I don`t use cocaine, I just like the way it smells.