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Iām sorry Iām late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
Dieting is for the birds. Which is why you hardly ever see a fat bird.
It`s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
Your license plate should be your phone number... So when you drive like a dumbass, I can let you know about it.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.
Wouldn`t it be ironical to die in a living room?
Stop complaining about the rain. Cause rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey.
If you are offended by the opinions I express you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.
Pay no attention to the device around my ankle.
Sorry I`m late. I had five cups of coffee and became convinced I could probably bend a fork with my mind, so I had to give it an honest try.
I am the head of this household, and I have my wife`s permission to say so.
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin...just in case
Of course you should follow me. Iām funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don`t ask her.
a lady at the grocery store asked me, "How do I know you?"...to which I replied, "You must watch a lot of porn".