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Sometimes all you need is $500 million dollars.
You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a threesome.
When people tell me "You`re gonna regret that in the morning"...I sleep in till noon, because I`m a problem solver.
I`m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign And before that ... we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that sh!t.
Be friend with stupid people.., feel like genius all the time
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
hmm ... I wonder what I´m thinking?
Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.
How funny is it when you’re telling somebody a made-up story and someone says “Oh yeah I heard about that”?
Wishing a happy unbirthday to everybody who`s birthday isn`t today.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said "No, thank you"
I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.
This coffee would work better if I could throw it at people.
If the customer is always right, then why isn’t anything for free?
I do everything faster when I have to pee.