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Condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she`ll get your paychecks.
How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
I`m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow
The Great Wall of China has brought more foreigners than it has kept out.
Wine with crackers and cheese is basically just the classy version of beer and nachos.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Plus a social media overreaction.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Do gun manuals haue a trouble shooting section?
Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!?
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
You can lead a horse to water but I`d rather ride it to the liquor store.
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate
I found that 99% of the time, when I`m not listening, just saying "that`s some bullshi*t" makes them happy.