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The Wizard of Oz is really just a cautionary tale about the lengths a woman will go to for the right shoes.
It`s amazing what you`ll wear in public when you`re not trying to have sex with anyone.
Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn’t listening to begin with.
If I tell you I can`t text you because I`m driving it`s only because I`m also eating.
is available for rebound sex.
I have to hand it to people who lead a double life ... I can barely handle the one I have.
I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
When someone tells me I`m going to hell, I`m like "yeah, duh, I work there part time as a tour guide!"
Helpful Tip: You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Don`t mix Viagra with Iron Supplements. It will cause you to spin around and point north.
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
How does anything ever get done at the bubble wrap factory?
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Every day is just a new opportunity to eat pizza.
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs!