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I’m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Do people who run know that we’re not food anymore.
My wife was afraid of the dark......then she saw me naked.........now she is afraid of the light.
Next time you’re asked “What’s Up” respond “A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house.”
Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn`t want to go to the store...
Breakfast in bed probably means you are dating someone. Dinner in bed means you`re probably single.
I go both ways. I like hard AND soft tacos.
My bed is way more comfortable in the mornings than during the night.
HANGOVER!!!!! it`s God`s way of sayin "u kicked a$$ last night"
I may be delusional but at least I`m going to Mars in November.
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
The Kids today just don`t appreciate the colors and flavors of Dial soap like I do
“You look tired” is just a polite way to tell someone they look like sh*t.
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.