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My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
At the end of the day, life should ask us, ‘Do you want to save the changes?’
It isn`t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would`ve been a better option.
If the shoe fits, wear it. Unless they`re not yours. But you can still were them. It`s just a road test, after all.
God made men. But sandwiches weren`t going to make themselves. So God made women.
Some people never go crazy...... What truly horrible lives they must live
The only charities I`ve donated money too recently are covered in glitter and dance to bad music.
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
Peppermint schnapps might seem like a ridiculous drink, but nobody at work ever complains about my breath.
I robbed a bank yesterday....now the question is, what to do with all that sperm....
When Miley is naked & licks a hammer it’s “art” & “music” ... but when I do it, I`m “wasted” & “have to leave Home Depot"
I give up on life! I have better luck playing Monopoly...or Clue...
I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don`t think they`re ugly or something.
I can`t take this long distance relationship anymore.. Fridge, you`re coming to my room.