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Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
In sign language, arthritis is a speech impediment.
Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
There are two types of people in this world: people who pee in the shower and liars.
When people I don’t know ask me what I do for a living I shout “Karma,” and punch them before running away.
If you have trouble getting your children`s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.
Roses are red and sometimes they`re thorny, when I think of you, I get really ...............
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
What`s Forrest Gump`s password? 1forest1
I was the only one that cared when Jimmy cracked corn.
Learned a lesson from my dog tonight ... No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.
I never drink unless I am alone or with somebody.
I like to listen to mexican radio but I dont know what they are singing or saying so I just pretend they are singing about how awesome I am.