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Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.
Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying “sorry breaking up with you” or that a minute later she text me back “sorry wrong number.”
I know I`m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name
Sorry I got mad and said a bunch of things I meant but shouldn`t have said out loud.
Halloween always exposes my weakness for Milk Duds, I am powerless. Tomorrow I will attend MDA, Milk Duds Anonymous
Thought for the day: Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that is where sh!tty ideas come from!
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine.
I was looking all over for my ambition today......well, It wasn`t under this 12 pack, so I`ll look tomorrow.
Dear future boyfriend/girlfriend, where the hell are you?
I would never survive a real job because I dont like being told when I can eat lunch...
I snuck popcorn into the movie theater but they won’t let me use their microwave.
I wish real life had as many ejection seats as cartoons.
If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.