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Don`t rush me, I`m waiting until the last minute.
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a guy who has been single for longer than 6 months.
It`s Friday the 13th. Good thing I`m not superstitious, it`s unlucky to be superstitious...
I think I`m gonna glue my thumbs to my nipples and pretend I`m a T-Rex.
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
Day 1. I am thankful that I haven`t fallen into the trap of Facebook thankful status updates.
Alcohol-The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance medicine.
I can update Facebook from anywhere. Even when crossing the stre
I`m sorry, all I hear is your perfume
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
“Dad, I’m hungry.” “Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad.” - Every time.
If opportunity doesn`t knock, build a door.
That awkward moment when you sing the wrong part of a song with confidence.
I`ve decided!! I’m giving up my New Years resolutions for Lent.
One thing the porn industry has taught me is that this summer I defiantly need to get a job as a poolboy.