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Hot Pockets: For when you want every bite to be a different temperature.
Its a shame I don`t have 5 incomes to go with my 5 personalities.. Damn free loaders
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That`s what going back to an ex is like.
Before you judge me, know that I don`t give a crap. Ok, go ahead.
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
All I ask for is a chance to prove money can`t make me happy.
May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
Life is just better when you’re laughing.
I believe in sharing the road with other drivers. They can have the part behind me.
It`s amazing how tired I get from how little I do.
Dr. Oz says having 1/2 hour of sex is equivalent to running 6 miles. I guess I`m going to the gym today.
The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.