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I did 26 situps this morning. It’s not a lot, but then again, how many times can someone snooze an alarm clock ?
I`m pretty sure whoever coined the phrase " rise and shine", doesn`t do it anymore.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.
A cop just pulled me over -- asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, `Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car`
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
Lord, help me be the person my psychiatrist medicates me to be.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
You`re not living life right if you don`t get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.
I hope all your dreams come true, especially that one where you`re being chased by a giant spider.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat And then I realized that he can`t even afford a washer or a dryer
Just saw a car at McDonalds take 4 tries to get lined up in a parking space. I`m not judgmental, so I won`t assume what sex she was.
Everytime I see a person jogging I already know they have facebook, everyone on facebook works out.
roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poems.. you have nice boobs
I embraced my inner child today and the lil` bastard bit me!
Ain`t no sunshine when she`s gone..... or sandwiches.... Ain`t no sandwiches either.