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I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Lazy fact #128540162, You were too lazy to read that number.
HardCoreStrategy 22 hours ago 6 3? Guys are? in a cafe. The first guy says "I?? have the smallest arm in the? world." The second guy says I have the?? smallest head in? the world." The third guy says I have the smallest d^ck in the world. They all? go to? the Guinness Book of World records. The? first? guy comes back and says I really? have the smallest arm in the world. The seconds guy? returns and? says? I have the smallest head in the world. The third guy comes back? and angrily?? says WHO? T
If someone hates you for no apparent reason, give them one.
Tis the season to throw your diet out the window.
"I didn`t get your text" is the new "my dog ate my homework"
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. "How`s it going?", "How about the weather?", "Where are your pants?".
A child`s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Mister Rogers didn’t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
If I`m ever in the hospital on Life Support, don`t just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.
After Monday and Tuesday... even the week says WTF!
Saw a wasp in a spider web and I don`t know who to root for.