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The meek shall inherit the earth. Probably because they`re the only ones who won`t complain about what we`ve done to it.
Saw my Ex with some guy at a bar last night... so I ordered a beer, took a few sips then gave her date the rest of my drink... Walked away.
I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Screw getting an alarm system. I`ve seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
Today please just pretend I wrote something hilarious, click like, and move on down the news feed.
I don’t know who decided that high heels were just for women but…GOOD CALL.
I just ate Pasta and Anti-Pasta, but they annihilated each other, now I am hungry again.......
Is it so much to ask that everyone who ever wronged me be forced to leave the country and change their identity?
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Wait, carjacking doesn`t mean masturbating in my vehicle? Then no, I didn`t get arrested for carjacking.
You never know how dirty a song’s lyrics are…until you hear a child sing them.
Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status... After 3 it should default to "Unstable"
facebook is the only book we read everyday.
There is a 99.9% chance I am hungry.