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I changed the audio of my GPS to a man`s voice. Now it just says "It`s around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while."
Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.
These techno songs last longer than my first marriage
Nothing says "I`m behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.
I bet now a lot of doctors are going to be reluctant to respond to “Is there a doctor on the plane?”
"I’m not drunk!” is an argument only very drunk people think they can win
It must be really hard to judge wet t-shirt contests. I saw one recently, and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren`t happy.
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
I love my six pack abs so much that I cover them with a layer of fat .
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor`s house is genius.
Sometimes, I question my sanity ... Sometimes, it replies
I hate that little line of dirt that I can never get into the dust pan.
You ever notice that the number of extra steps a drunk takes getting home? ...its staggering!
maturity comes when you stop publishing every detail of your life on social media