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I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
The part of "no" that I don´t understand is the part where I don´t get what I want
I still believe in love. But I also believe in sasquatch, nessy, and that I could win the lottery. So there`s that....
Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It`s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
I can`t wait to get home and have make-up sex! ... I`ve been arguing all day with myself.
There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
Why do sandwiches taste so much better when they are cut diagonally?
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
Rock bottom is when you get dinner at the same place you buy your gas.
A child`s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Five second rule? Pfft. What`s the point of having an immune system if you`re not going to use it?
roses are red,violets are blue,god made me beautiful, what happen to you..
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking. Or help them move.
I smile because your my daughter. I laugh because there`s nothing you can do about it. ;)