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I`m only a morning person on December 25th
Birth Control Pills should be for men. It makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.
I just ran butt a$$ naked through Walmart yelling "Stop that shoplifter! she got my clothes!"
Don`t care what your religious or political beliefs are, if you`re male or female, young or old. I will tackle you hard for that last donut.
Don`t threaten to leave people, surprise them by actually leaving.
I was enjoying our conversation, but then I stopped talking and the whole thing got really boring.
There’s nothing worse than getting $0.99 back in change.
Single women come home, see what`s in the fridge and go to bed...while married women come home see what`s in the bed and go to the fridge.
My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.
Bored? Text "Our condom broke." to a random number
Darn right I’m good in bed. ...I can sleep for days.
I just missed winning the lottery by only 6 numbers.
I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I’m the only one that matters.