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Bored? Update your Facebook to “in a relationship” with someone you’ve never met just to see if they’ll confirm.
honestly I`ve never seen a tombstone that read "died from not forwarding a text to 10 people"
I`m not ignoring you, I am simply giving you time to reflect on what an idiot you are being.
Remember if you ask me to put sun lotion on your back, I am definitely drawing something dirty while I`m back there.
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn`t ask me to help with stuff.
There is a 100% chance that I’ve called some of the most wonderful people in the world the most horrible things imaginable while in traffic.
The saddest thing about St. Patrick`s Day is taking down all my Christmas decorations.
I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.
Facebook is not so bad once you block your family and friends.
If I ever get off this couch, I’ll be unstoppable.
Instead of sending people to jail, we should just make them eat the stringy things off bananas..
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s
If the cupcake has some green sprinkles on it, it`s a vegetable, right?
Coffee shops should have a separate line for people who are late for work.