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My roommate is on a date and said he`s convinced she`s coming home with him tonight. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.
Life is like toilet paper....either you`re on a roll....or you`re taking sh*t from some asshole
Whenever there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
I made a salad with red wine vinaigrette only I left out the vinegar and the oil and ok it`s just lettuce with wine all over it. Anyhoo, I`m drunk.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Having a bit of a lazy day! I`m sitting in my underwear looking for better jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found
The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake it then you`ve got it made!
Sometime you have to hand it to short people ... because they can`t reach.
I`m so broke right now if anybody robbed me they`d just be practicing
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said "seriously?" after a comment you made during an argument.
Good friends don’t let you do dumb things… alone.
Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?! Crazy.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would`ve been a lot more interesting.