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I wish the "Do not ask me again" option existed in real life.
I send more time looking for porn than actually watching it.
Days are short in December but spending them with family really stretches them out.
I`ve been hiding from exercise. I`m in the fitness protection program.
My inner self is in Photoshop
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
I`d have a longer attention span if things weren`t so shiny.
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-ass".
Just heard someone pronounce the H in wheel so I`m gonna need a minute
Five second rule? Pfft. What`s the point of having an immune system if you`re not going to use it?
There is no such things as ghosts. I know, I asked Santa Claus
When I get married I plan on introducing my spouse as my ex-fiancé just to mess with people.
Went by the bank today and the female teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Forget Klondike, you should see what I`d do for an open bar.