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"You only live once. LOL JK!" ~ the cat
Quite honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have even pulled over had I known all you were going to do was criticize my driving.
No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.
The hardest part of being a gentleman is going to all of these gentlemen’s clubs.
This dishwasher sucks. It`s already ruined three of my paper plates.
Every time you have McDonald’s as a kid, it’s a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it’s a defeat.
If you ever need nothing I am here for you.
Life is like a box of chocolates. Get your own and stay the hell out of mine.
Life is a constant battle between my love of food & not wanting to get fat.
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
I just went into an AOL chat room to ask someone how to start a fire with sticks.
That awkward moment when you type your password where you should`ve typed your email, and your friend`s standing right there -___-
I hate it when I open my fridge and get punched by a bear... =/
My New Year`s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?