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My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
The guy below me obviously doesn`t know that R2-D2 is in movies, not television
So how many women out there think men are pigs? Gimme a show of tits!
Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
If you can´t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don´t know where you are.
Having children is a fantastic source of free labor.
Just rescued a Coca Cola that was trapped in the fridge!
Never let a medical procedure scare you. That`s what the bill is for.
It`s hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a break and enter.
Just once I want my skills to be so urgently required that a helicopter is dispatched to pick me up.
I hate it when I meow at cats and they don`t meow back. Unbelievably rude
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside