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Salad tastes pretty good once you add some pizza and get rid of the salad.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won`t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
No YouP*rn… I do not want to play poker, I’m at work for crying out loud.
stupidity is a privelege entitled to everyone but you my dear are abusing this right
McDonald’s Management Rule #23: “The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times.”
I like to think I`m special, because the thought of idiots like me existing in large numbers is f*cking terrifying.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
I`m in my 30`s, but I still feel like I`m in my 20`s until I hang out with people in their 20`s and I`m like, "nope, I`m in my 30`s"
Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what`s your plan? ;)
The toughest decision I will make today is bottle or draft.
I don`t know about you, but I`ve thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a child.
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.
According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Based on my reaction to toast popping out of a toaster, I’d like to recommend you never throw me a surprise party.