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I`m sorry did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
The problem with the rest of the world is that they are always 5 drinks behind.
If you read your timeline backwards it is about a person who hates everything and gradually becomes happier until they get a life.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Me: Dad, going to the 50cents concert. Dad: Here`s a dollar, take your sister with you.
Breakfast in bed probably means you are dating someone. Dinner in bed means you`re probably single.
My 2017 resolution is to stop thinking so much about the future.
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
Nothing says "friend zone" quite like a girl saying "you`re like a brother to me." (Disregard this message if you`re from Alabama)
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I just saw a guy take a bite of Kit Kat bar without breaking it apart first! Sir, we live in a society with rules, please adhere to them.
facebooked yo mama!!!
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn`t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn`t her grandmother.
I`m gonna just take a quick nap before I go to bed.