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The guy that thought of wrapping other food items in bacon deserves an award.
People hate the truth. Luckily, the Truth doesn`t give a $#!t.
My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day.
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
Every day is a struggle between wanting to lose weight and wanting to eat my weight in pizza.
If a cannibal is late to dinner do they give him the cold shoulder?
No way the guy from Operation is insured for any of those ridiculous medical procedures.
Any time someone says "have you seen that YouTube video?" I always say yes......... Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I`ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
I’m not surprised you’re having problems I had a bad experience with your reality once too.
If she burns the bacon, she`s no good bro
This year’s box-office revenue is down 20 percent from last summer. I’m not sure why that is, but I`ll bet you there’s a documentary on Netflix about it.
Every morning I swallow a piece of paper that says "Keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case I die and the doctors have to do an autopsy on me
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."