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Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you all the sh1t you want!
I`m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don`t want to hang out with you now but I`m still proud...
It`s weird how we are all here because of boners
You can correct people`s grammar or you can have friends. But you can`t do both.
You know nothing about a woman, until she is drunk and mad at you.
Facebook is the best place to say whatever you want. If it doesn’t go over well you can just say you were hacked.
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
I`m giving up abbreviations for Lent. Laugh Out Loud
I love asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because I`m still looking for ideas.
Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time
Sorry I said "What is it?" when you showed me your baby.
Last night I was thrown out of the casino for misunderstanding the use of the Crap table.
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
I just found my Christmas Spirit.... It`s been in aisle 6 at this liquor store the whole time!
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."