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Never look back. That’s where all the monsters are.
You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died
What if aliens only abduct crazy people, because nobody will ever believe them?
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not nearly as funny when you live by yourself.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
I meant to make you a rum cake but somehow I made you a plain cake and now I’m drunk.
I guess “Trying to be” isn’t really the answer the doctor was looking for when he asked if I was sexually active.
If you ever get caught sleeping during work, just slowly raise your hand and say "In Jesus name I pray, Amen."
props to the parent at the mall that walked up afterward to ask santa what his kid wanted lol
I had a doctors appointment today. He said I was normal! See? I told you!!!
Some of the happiest years of a woman`s life are when she`s 29.
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
are you free tomorrow ?! no I am f**king expensive !!
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.