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If I told you I loved you, would you believe me or just stand there freaking out about me being in your closet?
I don`t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence...but hey, somebody has to do it!
Bitch I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say "I`m affordable" instead of "I`m adorable".
That awkward moment when you finally realize what your rice krispies are saying to you.
Any hedge can be a maze if you are drunk enough.
I don`t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I do marathons ... on Netflix.
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
It’s a good job Apple isn’t in charge of New Year. We’d all be expecting 2015 and get 2014S instead.
If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.
Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?
I thought my life would include more impromptu sing-alongs.
Being in hot water isn`t so bad if you throw in some bubbles and a glass of champagne.
Next time you`re down in the dumps...pick me up a spare tire!