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A lot of people don`t realise that Shania Twain`s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
I woke up this morning and my "check liver" light was on.
I never get nervous or embarrassed. That`s just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.
Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing.
I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.
I think when a restaurant has "lobster celebration" it is very misleading to the lobster.
I kinda dig you, want to hang out and stuff until we hate each other?
had a great time horseback riding today but then I ran out of quarters
I wish bedtime was all the time.
I am sweet, lovable, kind, shy, and innocent ... Oh, for heaven`s sake! Stop laughing!
I sneak alcohol into work because I`m a problem solver.
Iam not as THINK as you DRUNK iam!!
If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.