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I`m old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
Most people decide to have scramble eggs immediately after thinking: "I`ll just flip this omelette"
You know you’re awesome when you know you’re awesome.
As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
Take mentos and freeze into ice cubes. Put the ice cubes in your friend’s drink. After five minutes their drink will randomly explode.
Bathtub` spelled backwards is still `bathtub`. It`s not, but for a second there, you believed me.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
If I get an e-mail from you that says "Sent from my Blackberry" at the bottom, please understand that I`m not going to respond. I can only assume that you sent it in 2006.
Always believe a woman when she says, "you don`t really wanna know"
I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help.
Why are there no owls here? I Was lead to believe there would by owls here. #hooters
You wanna know where I`m ticklish? Hawaii.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the "tasty" box.
I Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing