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When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
loves infomercials, but claiming that a product promotes weight loss when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.
Apparently Home Depot`s slogan of "You can do it; We can help" doesn`t apply to masturbation.
We live in a society that`s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
How do I tell a man he loves me?
Before Walmart, you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded woman.
If your significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say "Now you`re super mad!" If they laugh marry them.
I wonder if there are any times on the clock that I have never seen.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
If a gay guy doesn`t write a book called "Fifty Shades of Haaaaaayyy" I`ll be disappointed.
When dealing with women, you can either be right or get laid. You can`t have both.
They`ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that`s been open for more than 2 years.
I don`t want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.
Anyone who calls it a "day off with the kids"... Either has no kids or doesn`t know what "day off" means.