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Any psycho girls wanna hang out? Just text me like 5000 times and let me know.
Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.
If a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
It`s crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won`t keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry
If someone starts a sentence with "words can`t express," brace yourself, because they`re about to give it a hell of a try anyway.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn`t mean to eat it. I don`t want to be a bug.
Ex Girlfriend: Omg! I had a dream about you last night!! Ex Boyfriend: Aww thats so sweet, what happend? Ex Girlfriend: U died :)
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it`s strapped to the top of someone`s car.
I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That`s us in 10 years". She said "That`s a mirror".
To do list- (1). Go to pet store. (2). Buy bird seeds. (3). Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow. (4). Wait for the reaction.
I just wanted to send you a quick note letting you know that you`re in my inappropriate thoughts.
New marital Status update : Taken, but only for GRANTED
Posting a status update before responding to someone`s text is the easiest way to let them know how unimportant they are.
How dare the NFL build walls to keep fans that haven`t paid for a ticket from entering the game!
all joking aside, think how many babies might be created tonight on valentines day