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If you play my day at work backwards, its about an idiot getting less and less annoying
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
I think my guardian angel drinks.
I am the bestest at the English language...
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
I bet Snowmen think it`s weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.
I hope Breaking Bad ends with Jesse waking up from a dream in the middle of Mr. White`s chemistry class.
Your girl always on her knees. What she forgot she had feet?
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Studies show than men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. See, it`s a survival thing.
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Hold on I`m about to count my money. Alright I`m done.