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I thought the movie `fast & furious` was about my sex life. I`m fast, my wife is furious.
Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don`t quote me!
Gym Update: Not there.
There is no such thing as a stupid question, but there are such things as stupid people who ask questions.
This is the earliest I have ever been late.
OH I´m sorry! I didn´t realise you were giving me a dirty look. I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!
“I don’t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others’ lives sounds fun!” – How I got out of jury duty
I don’t call it laying down anymore, I call it landscape mode.
I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.
I forget, how much tequila goes in mashed potatoes? Now that`s funny, I don`t care who you are. Oh, don`t copy that part. I mean this part. Oh hell!! Your going to copy and paste the whole thing anyway ;)
The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.
I would tell you to go to he!! but all dogs go to heaven.
The early bird needs a punch in the throat.
My body needs a refresh button.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.