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Note to self: It`s time to grow up, be responsible, and act like an adult. Self to Note: Shut the f*ck up.
"It`s not a pyramid scheme" is a phrase almost exclusively used by people involved in pyramid schemes
RAIN!!!! :) I guess my rain dances must have worked. Some people call it stumbling around... I call it rain dancing.
Right before I die, my last words will be, "I left a million dollars in the........
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
I Wonder what Facebook Employees do to waste time at work ?
Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo? Who has hair on their shoulders? Who`s shampooing their shoulder hair? ... please come forward.
I`m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn`t already know that.
I just finished writing an article on "How To Improve Your Memory"- But I forgot where I kept it!!
If my jokes offend you: 1. I’m sorry. 2. It won’t happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. 4. You’re a wussy.
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn`t move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape
May your neighbors respect you, troubles neglect you, angels protect you and heaven accept you.
the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it