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I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
So, I bought a wok to cook healthy food and I have to say, these french fries don`t taste any different.
Redneck word of the day : Asphalt. It`s your own dumb asphalt !!
If people say you`re acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you`re totally nailin` it.
What Meatloaf wouldn`t do for love I would probably do for a six pack.
The IRS suggests filing early to reduce the chance that someone will steal your identity and file before you. Honestly, if somebody wants my identity so badly they`ll file my tax return for me, go crazy. You can mow my lawn while you`re at it, too.
The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don`t use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"
I maybe wrong but I doubt it.
I would’ve slept my way to the top years ago if it actually involved sleeping.
I would be a great procrastinator ... if I could ever get around to it.
Even if you don`t pay, they`ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
F*ck you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
My Christmas present to all of you? I took a naked selfie and deleted it.
Friday Night Inspirational Message: You miss 100% of the shots you don`t drink.
Why can`t we just change the spelling to fit the way it sounds: Bologna = Bolony Lasagna = lasania knife= nife tsunami = sunami politician = a$$hole