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I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry.
Does Facebook offer a 401(k)?
Wow!!! Thank you guy on Facebook I went to high school with and haven`t spoken to in 14 years, you really changed my mind about this upcoming election....
My identity was stolen. I hope they do a better job with my life than I did!
If you are stalking me, please keep up, I have a lot of errands today.
Too bad the little guy "Tattoo" from Fantasy Island isn`t around anymore. They could ask HIM where the plane is!
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos
Life is different in Christian frats: “You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.” “Way to save it for marriage, bro.” *fist bump*
There may be two sides to every story, but you’re still a douche in both of them.
I don`t post a lot of personal statuses - but when I do it`s all about you ..
In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead!
Darn right I’m good in bed. ...I can sleep for days.
I need to stop lying to myself ... This bag of Reese cups will never make it to Halloween
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain`t good.
My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.