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I really need a long road trip, top down, in the Jeep...with a cooler....loud music....and an extra cooler in case the first one isn`t enough
*accidentally answers phone call* ... *pretends to be answering machine*
I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He`s in a better place now."
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
My wife told me that her favorite position is when I lay very very still wearing a toe tag and she starts dating again
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you`re not allowed to use them. Because nothing says class like useless towels.
People should be required to pay an extra dollar for every syllable of their coffee order.
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
How do Amish girls know if it`s a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular one #DeepThoughts
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little Lamb. Maybe she wasn`t that hungry.
There are only two types of honest people in this world.....small children and drunk people.
If stress burned calories, I’d be a super model.
I`ll admit I`m not perfect but what did the horse I rode in on do?
Found a note on my door today that said ”You’re Awesome!” ... Yes, I wrote it yesturday. But still, the truth is the truth.
I`m smiling, that alone should scare you.