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Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
Driving with your gas tank door open is the equivalent to having your zipper down.
Heard the local weatherman say, "high in the thirties" & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I`ve grown up a lot recently. For example, I used to drink beer all day and now I drink wine.
there`s only 2 things in life you have control in changing that is your attitude and a kids diaper.. which at times both can be the equivalent of the other..
I`m kinda like an onion, not in some deep I have layers way, but if you see me naked, you`ll cry.
Don`t come to my door wanting to talk about the Lord. I don`t come to your door wanting to talk about wine and vibrators, do I?
Girl Scout cookie season is scientifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year`s resolutions.
I love sleep ... it’s like a Time Machine to Breakfast.
Trust me... You don`t want my undivided attention.
It´s not that I hate you, it´s just.. well I´ll put it this way.. if you were on fire & I had water, I´d drink it.
If I ever go missing and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Guess it`s time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true!
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.