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is actually feeling pretty much okay about not accomplishing anything this year.
loves infomercials, but claiming that a product promotes weight loss when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.
So I just saw a donkey crossing the road. The cool thing was he looked both ways before crossing. What a smart a$$.
Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life.
Someone’s therapist knows all about you.
Cant imagine the look on Obamas face when he saw `Olympus Has Fallen`..His next quote would have been.."No more Taiwans in the secret Elevetor office"
Why haven’t we just found someone ballsy enough to dress up as Mrs Bigfoot and catch him already?
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
“Oh boy, I can’t wait to be productive today.” – said no one ever
I`m proud to announce that I`m still the undefeated champion at racing with drivers who don`t know we`re racing.
Gee I wish I could push the envelope... But it`s stationary.
I was at a nice restaurant tonight and accidentally left out a loud fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.
Got a paper cut turning the pages in my self-defense book.