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Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
Just heard about the Obamacare deadline and I`m freaking out. I have so many questions. Who is Obama?
Wow.. I didn`t know spandex could hold that much.
Just think about all the stuff you aren`t thinking about.
I don`t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
To all the NSA agents reading this right now, I just want to say sorry that my life is so boring.
Don’t let anyone tell you how to live your life! Unless you’re an idiot. In that case, please listen carefully.
One small step for man one giant step for a really small man
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don`t even have a battery in my smoke detector...
Why are police men so strong? Because they hold up traffic.
Q: What is the best thing God ever created? A: The vagina. Q: What was the worst thing God ever did? A: Put women in charge of them.
I don’t think I get enough credit for doing everything I do while being unmedicated.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
I never finish anyth...............
Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza.