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Easy baked macaroni and cheese recipe: Boil macaroni in water.... follow the rest of the instructions on box. TADA!
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
Men hang out in bars for one of two reasons: Either they have no wife to go home to, or they do
You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?
I’m gonna have to get new pets, I’m running out of passwords.
I have a life outside of internet, it involves charging my phone.
If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They`ll thank you later.
My fridge is just hospice for vegetables.
You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I`m like that, but with salad.
The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I
When my dog sniffs another dog’s poop I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.
The problem with money is too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.
if you don`t have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.