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everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Thursday.
We all have that one friend who always gives the best relationship advice , but is still single.
If by “clubbing” you mean eating club sandwiches then yeah I’m pretty into the club scene.
I`d love to have a sex change. Preferably from `none` to `absolutely sh!tloads`.
I always try to behave on Friday nights but there are usually too many other options.
Alcohol makes me worse at everything except telling secrets
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I`d highly recommend Fight Club.
I bet wrecking ball operators are some of the happiest people in the world.
Never underestimate a girl’s ability to find things out.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is...
If your girlfriend says she`s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall...You might be dating my wife.