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Showing cleavage doesn’t fix your face.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like Facebook in real life.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me.
I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
When I’m getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who’s staying on and say,, “You’re in charge while I’m gone.”
The only thing wrong with eary mornings is being awake.
I can’t wait until I get that job at Starbucks because I’m going to spell everyone’s name wrong so they can’t instagram their cups.
That awkward moment when the automatic flushing toilet goes off when you`re still sitting down.
My head says go to the gym. My heart says food.
Did you know statistically you`re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a kitchen knife.
In a new study women with large a$$es live longer………the men who tell them live distinctively shorter lives.
Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesturday, yesturday you were pretty f*cking annoying.
Calories? I think you mean delicious points!
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.