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Sometimes late at night, I dig a hole in the back yard to keep the nosey neighbor`s guessing.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they`re not passing you some fake sh!t.
Crap, summer is here and I`m nowhere near in drinking shape yet.
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
"Grapey." -me after every wine at the wine-tasting
The fridge is a clear example that what matters is what`s inside.
Does "Can I take your order?" sometimes mean "Let`s start a new life together" or am I reading too much into this?
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and my number of friends.
Wisdom for the day is , hot cheetos are not breakfast.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight... to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
Hey mother in law.... Don`t tell me how to raise my kids. Im still trying to raise yours.
Your girlfriend is rated E... For Everyone
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for longer than 6 months.
Just because I know I`m a "Good looking, extremely intelligent, funny as hell, sexy ass, Motherf#ker" doesn`t mean I`m "Conceited"...Im more like a "Realist", that just so happens to be very good with adjectives!...A "Bad-Ass Realist", that is!