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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
When I was young I dreamed of saving the world, now I just dream of making through each month.
I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
I believe in looking out for number one. Especially if the dog is not house trained.
I`m first world poor. That means I have a smart phone and laptop that I use to go online and see that I have no money in my bank account.
Think you`re going crazy? When you get there, look for me and I`ll show you around.
Feeling so good today ... High-five the person next to you and tell them it`s from me.
Most of you like waking up in the morning to see the "comments" and "likes" that your status received. I like waking up in the morning to see WTF I posted!
I avoid online dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests. I don`t want to go out with a weirdo.
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot ... I didn`t even know I had a wife.
It`s Saturday morning. My neighbor has mowed his lawn AND weeded his garden. I`ve spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Having a dirty mind makes simple conversation much more exciting!
You know you had an interesting day when your Google search history includes "rubber panda".
Iām off for a quiet beer. Followed by fourteen noisy ones.
Ice skating is just walking in cursive.