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I’m beginning to believe that successful relationships come down to Netflix compatibility.
If its so great outside why do bugs try to get in my f*cking house?
You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.
An arranged marriage is just another way of saying that your parents helped you get laid.
Key to a great marriage ... Lack of imagination.
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
If you ever get a flat tire, take a picture of it on your phone so for future reference you can use it as a valid excuse.
I think sharks eat people just to be on tv.
If A-B-C-D didn’t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn’t have to be so rushed.
These spaghetti-o`s taste like I don`t get paid until tomorrow.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups...
Whenever I think of a funny status I always get a pen and write it down so I can use it later, and if the pen is too far away I just convince myself that it wasn’t that funny anyway.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.