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My TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever ... Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
Time heals all wounds...unless it`s infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse.
They might want to put a picture of that airplane on a milk carton.
I always confuse the words exotic and erotic. That made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store.
If you replace the "W" in "where" "what" and "when" with "T" you get answers to the questions.
"I wish people would start doing ice bucket challenges again" - said no one ever!
Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I’m “the one,” but isn’t talking to a police officer.
is pondering why people have a favorite color M&M when they all taste the same!
I don`t know why I ever signed up for Facebook. I mean like seriously, this dating website sucks!
I am fluent in three languages: English, Profanity, and Sarcasm
Today I am thankful for my family....and this 5th of vodka that helps me deal with them.
The way my dog acts, you`d think his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Thank God I finally found love! Its on Page 126 in the dictionary.
I dream about naps.