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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told. Twice now.
"I don`t know what the f*ck this tastes like." - first person to eat chicken.
Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.
This bartender doesn`t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
iOS 8 let`s you passcode lock specific apps? It`s fun imagining how many break ups that will cause.
Just rescued a Coca Cola that was trapped in the fridge!
It`s finally here! .. That time of year when my seasonal depression turns into just regular depression.
For most things there’s MasterCard For everything else there’s Vodka
Your so lazy you should have a Life Alert bracelet that says I`m Just Napping.
WTF, I feel like I pay these bills every month.
If I could bring one dead person back to life I`d bring back Walk Disney. Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction..
I can`t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend
If you really want to know how she feels about you, get her drunk & then piss her off.
"Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not JUST an effective fire safety technique, but also a very memorable way of getting out of a boring conversation. :P