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The adult version of Operation is trying not to break a tortilla chip while dipping it into a jar of salsa.
I have an awesome idea, but first I`ll need a zebra, bungee cords, jello, and a partner in crime. Any takers?
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a dog, or just a pizza.
I`ll do a lot of things for money, but I draw the line at working...
My mom always said that I`d never find a man dumb enough to marry me. Well, I showed her...
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “well that’s not going to happen.”
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes.
Just seen this girl walk into a lamp post! I could have stopped her but that wouldn`t have been funny would it
I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.
Ladies, don`t date him just because his dad has a yacht. Date the dad.
I went to the store to buy some comdoms and the cashier asked me If I needed a bag ? "I replied No she`s not that ugly"
I never think twice about helping others.In fact, I never think once about it.
I get more cleaning done in the ten minutes before someone comes over than I do in a week.