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What do you call a guy who makes "Woman in the Kitchen" jokes? Single.
I`m sticking to my guns ... I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Sometimes I pretend to be normal. But it gets boring ... so I go back to being me. ;)
Got a little too much sun today. I knew I should have closed the blinds.
Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you`re ugly.
After meeting me... my therapist is now in therapy...
I don`t have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
did you notice when you yell "yo ugly" about 10 people turn around
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
I will always be here for you. Unless we run out of beer and someone has some over there. Then I will be over there for you.
At this age, I drive everything like I stole it because sometimes I forget which car is mine.
“Dad, I’m hungry.” “Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad.” - Every time.
"Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this."--MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
If Reincarnation ends up being real... Those People who got "YOLO" tattoos are going to look... Pretty Silly
I will literally spend $20 on food but won’t buy a $20 shirt.