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I`ve got to remember to tie a string around my finger!
I`m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It`s really come in handy this parallelogram season.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
If going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions.
I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
Comcast is doing home security now so if your house is being robbed they will get the police there on Tuesday between the hours of 8 & 12.
I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I`ll take a Dirty Hammock."
I`m just wondering what the employees at the Weather Channel make small talk about.
Not so great minds also think alike.
It`s funny how my car drives slower on the way to work, than when I`m on my way home.
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… After I finish laughing.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex...unless you`re fighting with your brother.
Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a beautiful day.
I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.