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My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
I would watch NASCAR if hot wheels designed the tracks.
I`m gonna open a bar and name it Rehab.....
I love nostalgia. Not sure what it means, but it reminds me of magical words from my childhood.
I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can`t find it...
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I haven`t seen any new episodes of Gilligan`s Island in awhile... I hope they`re OK.
You call it Sushi, I call it bait.
How I talk: 25% swearing, 25% sarcasm 50% a combination of both.
Is it weird that I`m 43 years old and have a secret handshake with 3 adults.....and my dog?
I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".
I`m Outdoorsy, as in I like to get drunk and pass out in the yard....
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.
You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn`t? ... Yeah, I don`t have one of those.
The moment you empty your vacuum cleaner is the moment you become a vacuum cleaner.