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The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
If it hurts when you pee, urine trouble.
I love going for walks in the rain. You can pee your pants and no one will be the wiser.
My friend works at a rubber dog poop factory. He`ll never get rich, but he makes doo.
With the right person, you can talk about absolutely nothing for hours & feel like you spoke about everything.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old...
Weird is just a side effect of being awesome.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don`t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
I`m awesome...just ask me...!!!!
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
If you don`t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
If it`s the thought that counts ... Then I should probably be in jail
You know what I just realized that in school they teach you not to do what you don`t want to do yet they still give us homework and we get in trouble because we didn`t want to do it ( confused )
Instead of spending $2,000 on a purse, some of you ladies should use the money for therapy sessions.