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Happy 1 year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!
It`s Thanksgiving. Don`t forget to set your scale back 25 lbs
I love the show Gotham....OBSESSED!!! But they constantly have the Twitter hashtag #gotham in the corner of the screen, and I`m always thinking..."No I don`t have ham! But I want ham." Sometimes I miss parts of the showing thinking about the fact that I don`t have ham..... Obviously I need to have ham on the menu every Monday night. #noidontgotham
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you`re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they`ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Imagine how freaked out the first human must of been on the first sneeze.
lol I rotfl
My internet went down last week...so I talked to my family....thank goodness the internet came back
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I`m sure you already know, have a great time!
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
If life was easy, we wouldn`t need alcohol.
All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.
It`s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, now we`re getting somewhere.
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don`t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.