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If I cover my phone at work with Preparation H, would it filter out the `pains in the butts` from calling?
Doing word problems as a kid has helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn`t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
Facebook Stalker! If you just felt a sudden twinge of guilt then yes I`m talking about you.
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded.
Do you ever feel like you`re in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?
"Have you been drinking . sir?" asks the policeman. "Go Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" "Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?"
Awww, look. My middle finger likes you!
just wanted to tell the weekend that I love you and I will be back, I will not let the weekdays take me away from you.
In a new study women with large a$$es live longer………the men who tell them live distinctively shorter lives.
Internet went down so I had to spend time with my family. They seem like good people.
Does shaking the vending machine count as working ...
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...... *high 5*
I got Mood Poisoning. Must have been something I hate.