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I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.
Don’t judge me…If you’re reading this then you aren’t working either.
When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.
"You`re as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
Today`s society is a good example of what happens when you let the clowns run the circus.
If you respond to coworkers asking how your weekend was with turkey noises, they leave you alone.
You don`t have to be crazy to work here ... We`ll train you.
The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.
Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.
If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.
When I wake up at night, I reach out to you, I love you not for what you look like, I love you for what you have inside - Me to my fridge
Good morning friends … Wait … what the hell m I doing up this early?
If you`re sad/single/both on valentines day just remember you can buy 40 chicken nuggets at McDonald`s for $8.99
If you boil a clown, do you get laughing stock?