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I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
I hate when I’m about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.
There is a method to my madness....and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable.....
I solve my problems by blatantly ignoring them and going on the internet.
People say love is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is better.
Hardest thing in life: Trying to look happy when no money falls out of your birthday card.
Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn`t much, but the reception was excellent.
I`ve been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don`t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Facebook crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
If you`re feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.
A fun way to "Break up" is to tell them to "Go long" and then never throw them the football.
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...