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I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.
What I learned from Titanic was that you need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person you like cause you never know what might happen.
Some of my ideas are about as profitable as selling YOLO T-Shirts at a Reincarnation seminar
Divorce is expensive because its worth it.
It`s tax season. Anyone have some spare kids?
I remember my single days like it was 11 years, 1 month, and 12 days ago.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
I hate bugs that fly, jump, crawl, dougie, twerk, 2 step, all that crap.
The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn´t work. I´m going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.
Opinions are like a$$holes: some people make money by posting them on the internet.
The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped my phone.
It`s not you, it`s me. I can`t stand you.