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I have a confession to make. I was born with a rare disease called “Amazing.”
According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, You`re actually a few million years late. That star is dead, just like your dreams.
When we catch the people who kill elephants & rhinos, can we pull all their teeth first?
99% sure my soulmate is a piece of pizza.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says "trust me, you don`t want to know."
From what I can gather, men hit their sexual peak around age 18. And women hit theirs as soon as the divorce is final.
I was like "No, Pepsi is NOT ok. I wanted a Coke." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."
The grass is always greener over the septic tank
Slutty girls are like Walmarts, everyone makes fun of them but when you`re inside one at 4am you think, i`m glad these are here.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore
Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
I eat my salad without dressing because who has time to put on clothes...
people say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but it`s the only way I can talk to you.
*Baby on board* Oh really? Thanks for letting me know, I was about to ram into your car, but now I won’t.