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So I´ve narrowed it down and I´m either gonna start a motorcycle gang or take a nap.
Oh my gosh! It`s a Hot Wheels car! Something you never want to hear during a prostate exam.
Your license plate should be your phone number... So when you drive like a dumbass, I can let you know about it.
I don’t want to go to work. There are people there.
If I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die. I wouldn`t want to be me on that day.
In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on
"A vodka, please" "Sir, this is McDonald`s" "OK, a McVodka, please and super size it."
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? You were driving 80 miles an hour. Driver: "No way; I ain`t even been on the road an hour."
I have no idea what a bejeezus is,,, but apparently mine scares easy.
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight .... So I got that going for me.
im so hungry, im farting fresh air
ever notice that on a phone the word "mom" is 666?
Only YOU, can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.