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I find you`re total lack of ambition is inspiring.
Why insult someone when you can say something nice in a very sarcastic tone.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face. I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Take your age. Subtract 3. Then add 3. That is your age.
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the F#%K are you?
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
Patience Is When Playing TETRIS And U Let Those Bricks Fall On Their Own Without Speeding Them Down
It`s only October 3rd and I`ve already beaten the sh!t out of two motion activated skeletons at store entrances.
Textaphrenia – thinking you’ve heard or felt a new text message vibration when there is no message.
I have tons of friends! Well i only have one... but she ways a ton!
People who eat grapes are impatient alcoholics
I`ve got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I`m gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.
“I wonder how much weight I’ve lost.” -Me, after eating one healthy meal.
There should be a law requiring the cashier to high five you every time you buy a box of condoms.
Today I´m going to entertain the kids with a game of duct, duct, tape.