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Roses are red, violets are blue. I have 5 fingers, the middle one is for you.
Maybe I`m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Face down, a$$ up ... that`s the way I tie my shoes.
Two heads aren`t better than one if you`re both stupid.
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
Sleep is for people with no internet connection.
Let`s be honest... Gay Divorce Court would be the best thing to happen to daytime TV in the history of ever.
A group hug in my family means someone wants to use you as a napkin.
Today feels like a stay in bed, pull the blankets over your head, and pretend you`re on an adventure in a kangaroo`s pouch type of day
It’s people that give drinking a bad name.
once again Tequila is the Delete History button of my brain.
The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Snickers
My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.
It’s a holiday. You know what that means… Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.
You know a woman really loves you when she vandalizes your car after an argument.