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Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
If the NSA and IRS teamed up, I wouldn’t have to do my taxes.
Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.
Don’t piss off old people. The older they get, the less ‘life in prison’ is a deterrent.
To everybody that is single don`t worry you will have your day............ Palm Sunday is just around the corner
I broke my finger today. But on the other hand I`m fine.
Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.
I sent that "Ancestry " site some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over
LIKE if you talk to yourself and laugh because you’re just that hilarious.
The worst thing about finding out Santa isn`t real is that you realise it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents
If you`ve ever wondered which of your friends are really amazing, you`re in luck today. :)
"If your reading this, I think your awesome!"
If it wasn`t for physics and law enforcement, I`d be unstoppable.
*pulls shirt back down* I guess I don`t understand what a flash mob actually is.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.