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I`m going to make a bucket list: Things I`m going to do before I kick the bucket. Number 1: WEAR SHOES!!!
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I once found a whip, a mask, a baton and handcuffs in my Mother-in-Law`s draw... who knew she was a superhero. Nice!!!
In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home,,, The more homeless I look.
These last 7 hours at work are always the longest.
Baby gates are parents` way of saying "this area is locked until you’ve gained more experience."
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming.
Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.
I`ll never forget the first time we met. Although, I will keep trying.
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
You may think I`m a loser, but to my goldfish, I`m the god of flakes.
I am the type to fart in a crowded train and get just as upset as everyone else.
I don`t even understand Fantasy Football. There are no Dragons, Wizards, or hot ass Elven chicks. I call bullsh!t.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
I’m positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.