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Why hasn`t anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
Do you know what would really be fun? ... No really.. If you know, tell me.. I`m bored to death.
Mosquito (noun) - Mother Nature`s way of getting you to slap yourself.
If anyone could read my mind I`m pretty sure they`d be traumatized for life.
If I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die. I wouldn`t want to be me on that day.
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
Boss: Where`s the progress report I asked u for. Me: I haven`t made any progress, that`s my report! - What I imagine it`d be like if I had a job
pumpkin for sale, slightly used
I`m not a bitch, I just have a low bullsh!t tolerance.
Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
I thought about exercising all day long. I am so exhausted.
I`m on that “Starts tomorrow” diet.
Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn`t have hangovers
People with no money sure do have a lot of pot.
Based on my reaction to toast popping out of a toaster, I’d like to recommend you never throw me a surprise party.