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Kill them with kindness ..and then fart as you walk away
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
I`m having fruit salad for dinner, well, it`s mostly grapes...crushed grapes ...ok, it`s wine, I`m having wine!
How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
You really understand how drunk you are when you`re peeing...
I would call my fashion style: “clothes that still fit.”
I have never been guilty of taking the smaller pizza slice.
Put on my workout clothes before going to the donut store just to give the impression I earned this.
You will never find the right person, if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
When a man talks dirty to a woman it`s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it`s $3.95 per minute.
This day is going downhill faster than a wagon full of fat kids!
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect
I hate it when someone starts to tell me something, then says "Never Mind".
FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.
My exercise routine needs to include a little more than opening difficult pistachios.