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Is it too early for extra nog in my egg?
Right now, a future teen mom is applying copious amounts of body glitter to herself.
Never let your printer know you`re in a rush, those bastards smell fear
Home is where you can say anything you want, because nobody listens to you anyway.
Literally saw someone get a tattoo of a camel on their toe.
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Yup, she needs a walker.
Its national shave your... Well, tomorrow is valentine`s day. Just an FYI.
It’s what people don’t know about each other that makes them such good friends.
Nintendo should handle education, I don’t remember half the crap from high school but I know all of Super Mario World’s secrets.
I really don`t know what the big deal is about Black Friday. I black out every Friday....
A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
Talking to me this morning is like trying to dribble a ball with not enough air in it.
My internet was down for almost 4 mins,im ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!
Every woman thinks her husband is a moron. And they’re absolutely right because smart men don’t get married.
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.