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Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they`re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Don`t be embarrassed by who you are. Unless you`re stupid. Then you`re pretty much screwed.
Somewhere, right this minute, someone is reading this sentence.
I hear voices ... and they don`t like you.
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Efficiency: skip your morning, wake up in the afternoon.
You might call it lazy ... I call it selective participation.
Frozen water balloon fights... not a good idea.
I`m always right. And when I`m not, I edit Wikipedia.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective