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I`m just here until I can make day drinking a full time job
I`m always tempted to yell "Kevin!" mid-flight.
If you don`t boo at people after bad sex, how do you expect to motivate them to get better?
Ya know u would never know u where happy if u never had bad memory.
Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.
This weekends forecast shows a 0% chance of cooking or cleaning, with a good chance of laying around in my pajamas.
You know you are getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
Keep reaching for the stars but please get a better deodorant.
My date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
I don`t know why they call it Everclear. I drink that stuff and everything is a blur.
Sometimes, I question my sanity ... Sometimes, it replies
Back in the day, Mom gave us two dinner choices. What she cooked or jack sh!t....
Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.