Daily Silly Status

My RSVP : I`ll be attending your wedding alone but consuming enough cake and alcohol for at least two.

I think the tie was invented by someone who wanted to express how he felt about work but thought an actual noose was too obvious.

Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar, because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and ... hold on, are those nuts?

Just checked my Farmville for the first time in 2 years... It`s now a Walmart.

"I`m sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing...except when you`re at a funeral.

There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.

The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.

iPhone 6: For people who don`t mind holding an iPad up to their ear.

I was called a sexist today ... I said, I think you`re mistaken ...its pronounced sexy

You know you are getting old when people start telling you how young you look.

80% of my status updates are BS, 15% are bologna and 5% are 100% straight from the heart.

I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people.

Here`s a fun idea: Before your next party or get together, buy some liver and other cuts of meat. Put them in clear containers and put labels on them with random names ("Clarice", "Richard", etc). Then put them in your refrigerator. For even more fun, put some empty containers beside the fridge with your friends` names on them....

A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don`t need to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.

Occasionally, I like to take a look through my old status updates and smile at my sparkling wit.