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Let´s drink tequila till you don´t remember what I suggest next..
Maybe vodka is addicted to me
The sun shouldn`t be allowed to come out until after your hangover.
My new home security sign : "EBOLA QUARANTINE" - Deters salesman, thieves, and neighbors.
If your lawyer has a ponytail, you`re going to jail
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They`ll thank you later.
I’m alone in my car. Counting it as a vacation.
Does anyone have a good recipe for homemade gasoline?
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
In my will, I´m giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn´t say a word.
No matter how many lives you have in Candy Crush, you’ll still never get your own back.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
I want my children to have all the things I never had so then I can move in with them.
Hey Lady!, I just deposited $43 dollars in THIS bank.. DON`T FROWN AT ME WHEN I TAKE 3 SUCKERS!