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Thanks to this huge spider web I just walked into, we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked.
People who are offended by offensive things offend me.
Sorry, I can`t today ... My sister`s friend`s mother`s grandpa`s brother`s grandson`s cousin`s uncle`s fish died. Yes, it was tragic.
I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He`s in a better place now."
I like you as a friend. Well, more like as a friend of a friend.
Give a fish some bread and he`ll eat for a day. Teach a fish to be a flying piranha and he`ll eat for a lifetime.
Flies are everywhere, unfortunately the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.
Lord, it`s me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?
three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere "Hold my purse."
Here`s a joke for all you mind readers...
LOL` the biggest lie on the internet.
Not now, I`m busy bringing shame to my family on the internet.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
If the universe didn`t want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn`t have four slots on my toaster...