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A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
So I just saw a donkey crossing the road. The cool thing was he looked both ways before crossing. What a smart a$$.
I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.
Haters gonna hate, your honor
One advantage of growing old is you don`t have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
I am finally old enough to realize my father was right, but now my kids think I am wrong.
I have the worst case of morning sickness. No I am not pregnant, my body just rejects mornings.
I always try to behave but there are usually too many other options.
If guys were smart, they’d forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.
Help keep America beautiful. Stay in your house today.
I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.
The key to a long relationship: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.
If I ever post something on Social media sites that`s not funny or clever, That just means someone hacked my account, Just Saying!
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
U.S.A.... where people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke