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The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.
If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough.
why call it ordering pizza and not the pursuit of happiness
I`m afraid to hug fat girls....what if they`re hungry?
Jehovah`s Witnesses, Improving my hiding skills since 1974.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… I just suck at fishing.
Flu (noun) - The only time when having used tissues laying next to your bed is socially acceptable.
When i see a person hailing a cab, i run quickly by them and slap them a high five just to boost their enthusiasm!
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food coloring. The doctor says I`m OK, but I feel like I`ve dyed a little inside.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
In Canada, she`s Kilometery Cyrus.
Some people live life in the fast lane. You’re in oncoming traffic.
Any of you had a friend that borrowed your sh!t and kept it for so long you had to borrow it back..