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McDonald`s should have a 3rd window, where you can trade in all the wrong sh!t they gave you at the second window.
Olympic Mens Ice Hockey USA vs Canada. Loser keeps Justin Bieber.
Imagine how frustrating it would be if Tic-Tacs were individually wrapped
363 shopping days `til Christmas and some people already have their lights up.
this one time I was in a bush, and this squirrel was like hey, and I was like hey you can`t talk to me your a squirrel and he was like yea I know lmao
Pumpkin for sale. Slightly used
Im going to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people`s cars saying "sorry for the damage." Then watching the magic.
Just saw the book "Marriage for Dummies." ... Shouldn`t there be an "is" in there somewhere?
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed, it ruled.
You know you`re fat when you run out of breath eating.
I`m angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday
Why do people at home on TV have their pants on?
I wake up everyday planning to be productive. Then a voice in my head says, " hahaa, good one!" Then we laugh and laugh and take a nap.