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That amazing moment when you find money in your clothes that you forgot was there.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I`m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
I`m looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math...
If Freud was alive today he would probably be awesome at telling "Yo Momma" jokes.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
I like my coffee like I like my women, hot and a lot of alcohol in them
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not "content creator"?
One day, people are gonna write songs about the nap I`m about to take.
Instead of presidential debates, we should just have a dance-off.
Day six of my push-up challenge. So far, I`ve eaten 107 push-up pops.
Love is... saving money to buy her shoes!
i got a dig bick..........how many read that wrong
I dont care how you live your life, so just let me live mine. Yeah whatever.