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If I don`t make at least one person scream, "WTF" then my day is not done yet.
Imagine how frustrating it would be if Tic-Tacs were individually wrapped
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me more than a week to realize that I`m not at work anymore....
Stand for what you believe in. Or sit on the couch and have a couple of donuts. It`s a free country really.
It’s pretty scary that before facebook… All these thoughts and stuff just stayed in peoples heads.
The filling in this fortune cookie tastes like paper...
Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?
You think having periods is hard? ... Try being on a 24 hour killstreak on Call of Duty with itchy balls.
Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! From now on, every noise you hear will cost you money.
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!
My husband told me he needed more space ... So I locked him outside.