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I don`t get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.
What does Miley Cyrus have for dinner on Christmas? Twerky :`)
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to... Husband: Do you mean with other people?
She was rare, like an onion ring in french fries
She deleted and blocked me so I guess you can say we`re taking it slow now.
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all ...
Jack daniel was found dead by johnie walker at castle strt under savanna tree,captain morgan believed dat he was killed by strongbow.his 4cuzns said that he was best in j&b club at knights...
No, no, no, you don`t have to engage in a long explanation of why you`re single. We`ve spent five minutes together, I think I`ve got it.
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
Rob Stalker for congressman........Stalker....a name you can trust.
Sometimes, entire relationships can be chalked up to, "that weird thing I did for a while."
I`m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.