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Trust me, you want me medicated!!
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Is it called NASCAR because that’s the way a hillbilly pronounces “nice car?”
I was pretty sure that at this point in my career I would have henchmen by now!
Considering I`m broke, I wonder if she`ll let me be her sugar-free daddy.
A beautiful woman could post "My dog just died" and she would get replies like "Well, I`m not dead ;)"
My gift horse is facing the wrong way
The package says "Do not eat raw cookie dough" but all I really see is "Pillsbury hates you and doesn`t want you to be happy."
Is beer cheaper on cyber monday?
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how`s your day going?
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
I`ll tell you what`s wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.
It`s been an exhausting day of pretending I`m a pleasant person.
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.
If zombies attack the world, everyone will run and hide. Except for us gamers, of course. We`ve been waiting for this all our lives!