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You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
Long story short, I love summaries.
Why do some people call it a "tuna-fish" sandwich? It`s not like anyone calls it a "chicken-bird" sandwich.
It`s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your sh!t together, every other vegetable.
These kids next door to me need to quit yelling. I`m about to wake up their mom and send her back over there.
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
You can`t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them & hope they panic & give in.
We Should Have A Way Of Telling People Their Breath Stinks Without Hurting Their Feelings. Like: "I`m bored, let`s go brush our teeth"
I`ll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life i am going to "allow to cool in microwave for 1 minute"!
We all have that one friend who needs to learn how to whisper
My favorite part of seeing someone I know in public is pretending I didn’t.
If guns don’t kill people, but people kill people, then doesn’t that mean that toasters don’t toast toast, but instead toast toasts toast?
I don`t know exactly who`s health I`m drinking to, but they`re going to be immortal at this rate
The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table was when I was trying to make room for a pizza.
My reaction to stepping in dog sh!t is identical to me logging onto Facebook