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Starting tomorrow, whatever life throws at me, I`m ducking so it hits someone else!
It`s hard to compliment a fake person without lying.
Birthday sex is just like regular sex but you are dissapointed that more people didn`t come.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would`ve been if he`d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
whoo hoo...I have new gutters. Please try and keep your mind out of them.
When I`m on my deathbed, I`m definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.
So far, I am 100% at believing what happened next on Facebook links.
I have this empty feeling inside of me. Wait, there`s my drink.
I`m pretty sure if you watched a movie of my life backwards it probably would be about a guy who refills beer cans and puts them in the fridge.
I hate when a website has a picture that you can click and enlarge. Then the "enlarged picture" is the same exact size as the thumbnail!
Remember, time is more powerful than You!!! One tree makes a million matchsticks......But when the time comes........Only 1 match stick is needed to burn a million trees......
You’re not important enough to have haters. You just have a few people who notice you’re an a$$hole.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat`s just being dramatic.
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.
Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...