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It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them......the police call it indecent exposure but whatever.
I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle lands.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn`t even come close to my 10 year old`s reaction when I told him that there`s no school today.
If you don’t feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend… you’re not doing it right.
We`re sorry to announce that due to budget cuts the beloved carol "Silver Bells" will be replaced with the more cost effective carol "Aluminium Bells".
Dating should be like buying a car. You should get to talk to the previous owners... SHOW ME THE MANFAX!!
I’d be 100x more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.
If anyone every texts me “who is this” I always respond “Jake from state farm”
hearing that Jesus loves you is very nice unless you`re in a Mexican prison
I`ll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life i am going to "allow to cool in microwave for 1 minute"!
I was at a nice restaurant tonight and accidentally left out a loud fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
I’m not positive that having the TV volume on an odd number will destroy the world, but lets not risk it.
You know you`re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
In the South, they remove the `g` from the end of most words. Just sayin`.