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If my statuses had a smell.. they would smell funny
Mother mosquito: Hey kiddo, how was your first flight? kid mosquito: Great mom! Everyone was clapping for me.
Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I`m made of sarcasm, wine and everything fine.
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
If your pillow fort hasn’t got an armory filled with Nerf guns, then you’re not really taking pillow forting as seriously as you should be.
My mom always said that I`d never find a man dumb enough to marry me. Well, I showed her...
I wonder how many messengers were killed before they came up with the saying.
props to the parent at the mall that walked up afterward to ask santa what his kid wanted lol
Nothing says "I`m unemployed" like wishing for snow on Facebook.
I wish Monday was a figment of my imagination.
Beer: The WD40 for conversations.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat`s just being dramatic.
Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking.So no more drive through taco bell. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in
I found a penny today that reminded me of you. Totally worthless and always in a stranger`s pants.
The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table was when I was trying to make room for a pizza.