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At least mosquitos are attracted to me.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”
Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
I only seem to remember I want to lose weight after eating 6 cookies.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
It`s weird to think that these Forever Stamps will outlive me.
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, can burn your a$$ tomorrow.
had a great time horseback riding today but then I ran out of quarters
For the record, giving someone the creeps for Christmas is technically not a gift.
i forgot how to put a status ... can anyone help me ?
Jehovah`s witnesses would probably be welcomed into more houses if they brought booze or cookies.
Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with my car.
Whoever said “two wrongs don’t make a right” has obviously never experienced McDonalds breakfast after a night of binge drinking.
Constantly losing socks in the laundry but finding change. So logically there has to be a sock fairy.