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Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.
I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.” ~Mario
People with multiple personalities should donate one of them to people who don’t have one.
Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! -Librarians arguing
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I’m not sure why, but to me Cheerios sound like the happiest of all circular shaped cereals.
If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don`t miss twice.
I`m already an idiot, I just need a village.
I just devoured a six inch from Subway and I`m still not satisfied. I get it ladies. I get it.
Sarcasm: because beating the sh!t out of people is illegal.
Its all fun and games until someone drinks the beer with the cigarette butts in it..
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
You can get away with farting at the zoo because you can always blame the animals...
Your secrets are safe with me! Odds are, I wasn’t even listening.