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Are you reading this from a toilet? I’m writing this from one.
I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I`m not a shopaholic.
if its got tits you will get nothing but trouble !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m not a picky eater or anything but I will look at both sides of a Dorito before I eat it to decide if its got a good cheesy dust ratio.
Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.
I`m at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn`t have to get up to pee.
You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
The only sit up I do is the one I use to get out of bed.
I make self-sabotage look like an art form.
I`m sorry, we can`t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Merry Christmas week! The time when it’s totally fine to put Peppermint Schnapps in your coffee every morning!
You are more likely to be bitten by a person who believes they are a shark than an actual shark.
Better late than pregnant.
C`mon Netflix, we both know I`m watching the next episode. Just go ahead and start it.
Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.