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I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
Just once I`d like to yell, "Don`t you know who I am?!" because I`m important, not because I`m drunk and actually forgot.
Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.
Does anyone else make transformer noises when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Well I didn`t know that minding my own business becomes part of your business to mind
Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.
Facebook needs a "settle down" button.. You tap on a friend`s profile, that locks them out for a day so they can work through stuff privately..
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Telling me to calm down is the easiest way to get me to tell you to go f*ck yourself.
Does shaking the vending machine count as working ...
I`ve decided!! Iām giving up my New Years resolutions for Lent.
There`s nothing a floored gas pedal and cranked music can`t cure.
I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in the fruit salad.
Stay Calm, take a breath, and reload.