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Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I know you people are crazy. I can spot my own kind a mile away.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me.
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone`s ok with that.
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
The iPhone 5S: Because the NSA wants your thumbprint now too.
A person soon learns how little they know when a child begins to ask questions.
If at first you don`t succeed...Do it the way your wife told you to. ;)
Just saw a guy driving while eating ice cream. F*cking sundae drivers.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
More people would drink responsibly if there was a brand of beer named Responsibly.
As you get closer and closer to the end of this status, I think it`s important that you lower your expectations.
A 15 year old took gold in the Olympics and then there is me whose greatest accomplishment is getting up to 10 on flappy bird.
Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst. Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention Morons!