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It`s nice to know I`m wanted....even if it`s only by the Police!
My neighbors look at me in a very weird way.. it’s like they never saw a guy with binoculars before.
My resolution for the New Year is to find more situations where it`s acceptable to wear a bathrobe out in public
I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
Some people just bring out the psycho in me
For the record "Wanna do it?" is not foreplay....
I think I might be bisexual. Because last night I had sex by myself.
Drink coffee! ... Do stupid things faster with more energy.
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.
Never piss off the person that cooks your dinner ... EVER!
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
I always learn from mistakes of others, who took my advice.
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"
The real plot hole in Cinderella was that if everything disappeared at midnight why did the shoe stay?