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I run entirely on caffeine and inappropriate thoughts.
I`m on this great new diet called "sleep through breakfast"
OMG! I went shopping because I needed a skirt and these earings were on special so I bought four new pairs of shoes!
Why are people with BAD breath always wanting to tell me a secret?
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.
It’s what people don’t know about each other that makes them such good friends.
Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
Sometimes you have to flip out and go bat sh!t crazy to make a point.
I have very poor ninja skills when it comes to staring at cleavage.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
If there`s a bar where everybody knows your name, you`re probably an alcoholic.
This morning someone threw Skittles at me and said "Taste the Rainbow", I ran them over with my car and sang,"Nationwide is on your side"
Don’t let anybody push you around ... unless you’re in a wagon, cuz that is just plain fun.
Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard.