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You can pretty much text anything as long as you put a happy face emoticon afterwards. You`re a slut :)
I can`t get the cork off my dinner.
I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.
Some people should use a glue stick instead of a chap stick.
Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.
Every time I see a preview for Hoarders, I grab the closest thing to me and immediately throw it away.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
The average human uses less than 10 percent of the remote.
Tattoos are an expensive and a painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification
Give fat people a break. They have a lot on their plate.
Does this couch I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
Spontaneity is great ... as long as I have a plan.
My life is based on a true story
Snails would be terrifying if they moved quickly.
Money isn´t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.