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I`ve gotten to that age where nothing fits right anymore. Even my birthday suit looks like it needs ironing...
“Do you have a charger?” is the new “Could I bum a cigarette?”
Mother mosquito: Hey kiddo, how was your first flight? kid mosquito: Great mom! Everyone was clapping for me.
I don`t hate you, but if you we`re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I don’t have bumper stickers because I don’t believe in anything strongly enough to potentially get my car keyed.
Don`t run with scissors -- unless you`re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
Exaggerations went up a million percent last year.
Did 4 push ups & 2 sit ups then ate 4 doughnuts & drank 2 beers. It`s called balance people!
I`d like to have a child one day...Two days, tops.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you`re better off staying home with no pants on.
Unless you tripped and smacked your face on the treadmill, no one wants to hear about your workout.
If you´re cooler than me, doesnt that make me hotter than you?
I was born at a very early age.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2) if it does not look like it`s breathing give it mouth-to_mouth