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Alright, I admit it. Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
Today I think I`ll go to a public restroom and wait until someone leaves, then click your stopwatch and write something down in a notebook.
Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.
I have found that the best work from home occupation is a bartender
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!
My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell `em: "You`re gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!
You know you are getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
Uses for the plastic ruler..... 5% to draw stright lines 95 % to hit people.
Telling people your phone is gonna die, But you really just don’t want to text them.
New marital Status update : Taken, but only for GRANTED
Just made eye contact with a guy while licking my lips ... I think I need to kill him now.
Due to the rising cost of ammunition I will no longer be able to provide a warning shot. Thanks for your understanding.
*Baby on board* Oh really? Thanks for letting me know, I was about to ram into your car, but now I won’t.
That fact that I need sun glasses to open my fridge means my night must have been awesome.