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I have short term memory. I also like to fish. Also, I have short term memory.
No officer, my speech isn`t slurred. I`m just talking in cursive.
Facebook is basically just you having a conversation with yourself hoping that someone else will join in.
If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
Someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
When ever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and drink all the rum inside. It seems to help.
Secret Admirers are just stalkers with good PR.
Does anyone actually know what you have to do when people are singing Happy Birthday to you.
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
Day 1. I am thankful that I haven`t fallen into the trap of Facebook thankful status updates.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what`s going on and there`s a lot of wine drinking.
Hugh Hefner dead at age 91. With the amount of Viagra that guy must have been taking, good luck closing that casket lid.
I hate lying to kids but my daughter asked me what twerking was and I told her it was when identical twins go to each others` jobs
Whoever said "sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you" has obviously never been hit with a dictionary.
Black Friday at my house consist of pants 100% off