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People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers
If your dog takes a dump on your floor and you clean it up, who owns who??
Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgement
I hate Russian nesting dolls. They`re so full of themselves
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
If anyone tells you, you have ADHD. Pay no attention.
Horoscopes: When you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend to blame for your failures, try the solar system
Don`t you wish common sense would make a big comeback.
When I was a kid “The Server Is Down” meant your waiter was depressed.
That tenth doctor is a selfish idiot, he never recommends anything!
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn’t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
If Wendy`s think their square burgers are so awesome, why don`t they use square buns?
Fact: You wish Facebook had the middle finger button.
People always ask me, where do I come up with my status`, do I make them up, or do I get them from the internet.. Truth is people. I use Status Enhancing Drugs.