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Don`t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.
The unplanned moments tend to be the best ones.
Are headaches the result of time spent with woman or is it purely a coincidence?
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
If you can`t celebrate Valentine`s Day with someone you love, forget about it at a bar that you like...
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Stop calling them rednecks. The term is NASCAR-Americans. Y`all.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
When I see somebody get on one knee tying their shoe in public I get in front of them, happy cry, and say “Oh my GOD, I will, YES-YESS!”
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Every time I go to the bank I ask if they are giving out any free samples.
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"
Years of education, solving tough problems, handling complex issues, yet we take a while standing before glass doors thinking whether to Push or Pull.
Skinny people are bitches. Probably because they`re hungry.