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I spend too much money on food to afford any diet program...
Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. `I won the lottery`.
I have short term memory. I also like to fish. Also, I have short term memory.
OH NO !,,,,,,,,, I just realized I can`t stop calling the addiction hotline....
Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I`m tipping my ATM more than my bartender.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...
I was having breakfast at a friend`s house and she said "How do you take your coffee?" I said "Very seriously."
It`s so nice to come home and relax with Facebook after a long day at the office being on Facebook.
I`m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"
Calories: Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter each night.
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behavior
At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said, "All the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
Actually told a girl who`s moving to France soon that "there`s lots of French people over there". It`s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Best part of living alone...clothing optional ;)
Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.