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As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.
Would you like to donate $1 to this charity or leave the checkout line feeling like human scum?
Hold that pose. My camera is ringing.
went to see the conjuring, and now there`s 10 crosses, four bibles, and a poster of Chuck Norris in my room.
My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
I can`t help but feel insulted when that voice on the speaker calls me a Walmart shopper.
One things for sure, I can always count on my fingers.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, sex with strangers. You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad"
I don`t use my cell phone in the car... I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.
Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.
There`s a time and a place for non-alcoholic beer. Never, and down the drain.
The good thing about listening to a new song is that it doesn’t remind you of anyone.
How many days in a row do you have to wear the same clothes until you’re legally a cartoon?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?