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Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn`t mean I`m getting old, right? Means I`m turning into a werewolf! Right?
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34C
Forget drugs and sex. Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
I`m bringing sexy back...if I only I can remember where I had it last....
Does everyone have that one dumb ass that finds you on Facebook and will not give up? Repeated friend requests, inbox messages, and follows my pages. It is driving me nuts. I understand at some point I will have to give in, but just because I am married to her doesn`t mean I have to like her, right?
I have the rest of my life to be an adult.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can´t remember the other two.
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
Who am I calling stupid?? Good question.... What`s your name?!
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
Arguing in sign language must be a workout.
Forget Klondike, you should see what I`d do for an open bar.
Monday morning coffee is just as important as friday night liquor....almost.