Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
The good thing about being 6' 6? is that if I develop a bald patch, no one will see it..Unless you’re using Google Earth.
Holy sh!t! I just opened a bag of cheddar and sour cream Ruffles and one of the chips was plain. This is a sign, man. God is going to smite all of us f*ckers with his wrath and send us to all to burn in the eternal flames of... Sorry. Just one side of the chip was plain. Carry on.
Damn you auto correct mind your business.
Since you no longer have a calendar I`d like to notify all the Mayans that it has been one year since the end of the world.
Punctuality is a waste of time since no one is ever there to appreciate it.
L`oréal`s mascara makes your lashes 60% longer? Wow! They should make condoms.
It`s hard to feel sorry for people when they get what they deserve.
Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
Their bedroom door is closed. I better walk in there for no reason. - kids
When your kids become teenagers, it`s important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.
Apparently, "Giant ones" is not the appropriate response to the question, "What are the steps you would take in the event of an emergency?"
I don’t care if it’s 1 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
The best time to re evaluate your life is when you find your self awake at 3 am reluctantly nodding yes to the questions being asked at the beginning of an infomercial
I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.