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Before the internet I used to like people.
I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year that DVR`s are used to watch commercials, instead of skip them!
I bet the "YMCA" dance is a lot harder to do in different languages
Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil?
I don`t just burn bridges, I drain the lake, fill it with concrete, and build a shopping mall on that bitch!
I avoid online dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests. I don`t want to go out with a weirdo.
Sometimes I get in this weird mood where I find everyone annoying. But it only happens when I’m awake.
When I was younger I thought I was bipolar. Turns out I was just an a$$hole who was happy about it.
I`ve found that the things I`m most interested in aren`t really in my best interest.
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can’t even make her a mix tape anymore?
I`m confused by this "It`s 5 o`clock somewhere" statement. Bars open at 11. Idiots.
Looks don’t matter to me if you’re attractive.
You know you`re an alcoholic when the only Holiday cards that you get are from your neighborhood pubs.