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I send more time looking for porn than actually watching it.
People that walk behind cars get exhausted
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone`s food pics and posting the calories.
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Think you`re going crazy? When you get there, look for me and I`ll show you around.
I have never walked toward the exit of a supermarket without nervously wondering if I`ve stolen something.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said bet you can`t hit me with a quarter!
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, “I’m not crazy!” and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
I`m right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%?
When it comes to f*cking around, I don`t f*ck around.
Don’t compare yourself to others, that’s when you start to lose confidence in yourself.
Requesting a table in the “Hot Waitress” section should be socially acceptable.
Good Morning! A fresh cup of hot coffee and my FB page is up, just look at that, I already achieved all my goals for the day.