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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
"Fidget Spinners are so dumb pointless." -The generation that purchased over 5 million Pet Rocks.
You know you`re getting older when you play GTA and spend 3 hours just walking around the map trying to find where you parked your car.
An apple a day is bullsh!t. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.
Babe, you look Hot! Is your air conditioner broken?
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong...
Without stupid people we would have no one to laugh at.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Of course bears sh!t in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Over the weekend I pulled a muscle getting off the couch to fetch more Doritos.
I used to question how much information was too much information. Joined Facebook, It`s much clearer now
Occasionally, I like to take a look through my old status updates and smile at my sparkling wit.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"
With my luck, I`ll die and get reincarnated as myself.