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When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
Jack Frost go away, come again another day. I need some sun, I need some sand, I need an island & a band. I`m bored with you & tired of the cold, so go away your getting old. Bring on the sun at one hundred degrees, some coconut oil & pina coladas please
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
If my sarcasm confuses you it`s because you`re stupid.
That moment when you put your pants on, take a few steps, and feel something crawling down your leg! You grab it on the outside so it doesn`t crawl any further....and then you sigh in relief and thank God the dryer sheet doesn`t bite!
Just stepped outside, closed my eyes, took a deep breathe of fresh air, sipped a Dew. What a perfect morning, what could go wrong? Crap I forgot 2 put pants on!
"May the 4th" be with you!
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck. But through hard work and perseverance, I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Just once I`d like to see someone in a movie call bullshit when someone tells them their phone number starts with 555
What does envelope 1 of 3 on my credit card bill mean?
Do you have to water a Pointsettia or do they die on their own?
Is food porn star a thing yet??
No thank you, I don`t need a coaster. I won`t be putting my drink down.
you`re about as useless as a red light in grand theft auto
I bet if you look up dictionary in the dictionary it says "don`t be an a$$hole"