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There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate sarcasm. 2. Morons.
iPhone is really a terrible name considering how rarely I use it as a phone. That`s like if my bed was named iSex.
My favorite flavor of ice cream is yes.
Some people are just bad news!!! Those are my favorite!
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.
I`m surprised kids haven`t found a way to trick or treat online yet
I would lose weight, but I hate losing..
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem solver.
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
I knew I was going to jail when I yanked at the cop pants and they didn`t tear away ..
What doesn`t kill you, makes you stronger... except for lions, lions will definitely kill you.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how likely is it that your dumbass will say 11?
Did you know you can go to any gym without having to announce it on Facebook?
People who sit and talk while their pizza is gets cold gives me anxiety.