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Really had my heart set on waking up rich today.
New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
Anyone else immediately turn down the car radio the second you think you might be lost?
My doctor told me to start watching what I eat. What channel is the Pizza Network on?
If there`s one thing that I`ve learned it`s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
I just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that real hippos don`t actually eat marbles?
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
How will you survive a zombie apocalypse if you scream & run when you see a spider?
I`m just doing what the beer tells me to.
I find that some of the best jokes are the ones that drag you in slowly and then leave you waiting in antici...
why don`t we get discounts for ringing up our own groceries in self checkout?
I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.
I see dead people. Well technically they`re stupid people, but give me a few minutes
If you slept with my husband I`d be like "OMG how much do I owe you?"
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.