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If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.
Racism, sexism and homophobia make no sense when there are so many perfectly good stupid people to hate.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
I made a chicken salad today... The little bastard didn`t even eat it.
When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren`t my kids but he`d never fire a Mom of seven, right?
I`m sorry but sh!ts and giggles don`t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.
Valentines day
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
Relationship status: If I slam on my brakes really hard... The seatbelt hugs me back.
I am pretty sure dry cleaning is a scam where they just laugh and rub money on your clothes then hang them back up in a plastic bag.
FYI: You have to stop Facebook posting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I`ve been single so long now I don`t remember what it`s like for someone to be mad at me for something I didn`t even know it did!
Since it is the day to give thanks, I would like to say once again...you`re welcome.
My blood test came back as B+ Any tips how I can get an A+ next time?
For a guy who makes as many bad decisions as I do, I feel like I should be having more fun.