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This liquor store needs a dollar menu.
I didn’t give you the finger. You earned it.
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
Now that Microsoft`s Steve Ballmer has bought the Clippers, I wonder if he will release a new version every few years that we all hate.
Double Stuff Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
It`s amazing how many pedestrians confuse right-of-way with immortality.
I`m honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
I`m glad I`ve got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me
Today, I did it hard, I did it loud, it was wet, and I did it four times in a row. I wish I wasn’t talking about sneezing.
Somehow, hitting the "end call" button on the cell phone just doesn`t feel nearly as good as the old days when you could slam the phone down on somebody.
There`s a time and a place for alcohol ... In my hand and now.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Fun Things to do : Commenting “not your best” on everybody’s selfies.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn`t seem so bad now.