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I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."
Sometimes I worry that eating pizza isn`t a real sport.
This year for Lent I`m giving up hanging out with all the people who gave up drinking for Lent.
I watched my first silent movie the other day. The kids weren`t there.
I wonder how often I’ve narrowly avoided death without even noticing.
What if cell phones are part of an elaborate plot to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?
My son got one of those `Stop Bullying` wristbands. he took it away from a fat little ginger kid.
I bet no one in Africa is allergic to gluten.
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
Yeah, I was gonna do that, but summer.
Driving a Dodge doesn`t automatically make you a defensive driver.
President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.
The Drug Store cashier asked me how im doing as I put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "Not great man, I`ve got diarrhea" I told him.