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I just did my budget for August. If I don`t buy food ... I won`t need toilet paper. I think I`m on to something here.
Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become..
The only thing worse than sitting on a cold toilet seat is sitting on a warm one.
My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.
I`d publish my autobiography but it`s just a bunch of liquor stained pages filled with doodles, and rants about stupid people.
Hate cleaning my floors...how fast would I go to hell if I got a blind roommate and replaced his cane with a swiffer?
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this...
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
I’m home alone. Time to start my concert.
What if your soulmate is over there on Twitter while you`re here on Facebook?
After Monday and Tuesday... even the week says WTF!
Honestly, I have no idea what I would even do with 5 hours of energy.
Hysterical Shrieking should be reserved for truly serious situations such as Centipedes, Spiders, and that Creepy Uncle that likes to give everyone back rubs.....
Scariest Moment: Flushing the toilet at someone else’s house, and seeing the water rise…