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7 billion people on the planet and I can only tolerate maybe 10.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
My brain is giving me the silent treatment today.
MAN LAW 101: No man should ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
I`m really easy to get along with, once people learn to worship me.
My doctor said I`m healthy enough for sexual activity ... I`m just not attractive enough.
My friend told me he wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don`t think he`d be a good secret agent.
Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you`ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you.
The problem with this generation boils down to this one thing: Their cartoons suck.
My life is the intersection between having too much caffeine and constantly yawning.
I have this empty feeling inside of me. Wait, there`s my drink.
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."
Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out