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I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me.
Modern video games are giving kids unrealistic standards of how many swords they can carry at one time.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
I need new swear words.
Is it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?
If video games have taught me anything, it`s that you`ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.
3 wishes for when I find a genie: 1. The more I eat the skinnier I get 2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist 3. Other kid owns a winery
When someone says I love you over the phone and you don`t feel the same, just say `I love youtube` but say it really fast!
Every dog is a badass until you decide to vacuum.
I`m an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.
A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.
The Three Up`s in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut
Did you know you can go to any gym without having to announce it on Facebook?
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.